The Binge and the Restless

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Where do I begin? Today has been such a rollercoaster ride for me emotionally. I woke up feeling so much despair and sorrow. I’m not sure why since the day before was quite positive. Needless to say since my mind was in full control creating panic and anxiety, I decided to chant. Chanting has always made me feel calm and peaceful. So I chant the Gayatri Mantra. I feel elevated and my soul becomes silent. This is great right…well yes of course silence is always wonderful.

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So after an hour of chanting. I meditate, and all is well in my little world. Little do I know, a storm is brewing. So my boyfriend…well that’s not the best title since he and I are not in a traditional situation. So maybe roommate would be better. Anyways, we have a brief argument. I don’t know why,  but I allowed him to affect me so deeply. In that moment, it’s as if my life flashes before my eyes and I realize I’ve been doing this my whole life. Toxic relationships and friends…why do I subject myself to this insanity? Surely, this isn’t love and I doubt it has anything to do with love. So what is causing me to be so self destructive? I’m not afraid to be alone, but I don’t know what else it could be. So I pondered this all today. The more  thought about it, the more my mind begin spewing those lovely lies it likes to tell. I don’t know what I’d do with no-mind…wait, I’d be happy. So I end up binge eating and feeling absolutely horrid. Sometime afterwards I look in the mirror and just cry. As I stare at myself, some strong emotion comes and says” I will not go easily into the night. So get your shit together and trust that everything will be alright”. So the tears dry up and I have this thought “What I need is a new hobby”.

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                                      Afghan I want to make

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                                           My last painting

  I have so much free time these days and I needed to start taking advantage of it. So I browse the net for something new to do (outside of painting and writing). So I see this beautiful afghan and I think,” Hey I can do that”. So I go to Hobby Lobby and buy supplies. So after picking up a beginners kit, how to dvd, and yarn I return home. I read the book, watch the dvd and begin. As soon as these two see me pull out the yarn, the party begins.

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                                    Gaara and Fanta

So needless to say I kept shooing them away. After 20 minutes of being attacked I gave my furballs a roll of yarn. Then started again. Ok, this is not as easy as it looks. I decided to spend sometime on youtube cause I need all the help I can get. 

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About Dezzie

I'm a pretty down to earth person. Most see me as a hippy:) I enjoy gardening,reading,writing,and painting. I love animals and being outside in nature. I love stargazing and enjoy dancing in the rain. I'm deeply spiritual,very eclectic,and enjoy meeting new people. I created this blog as a way to write about my journey and to connect with others whom have similar paths. I am currently in the process of becoming vegan,trying to heal my pcos,finding myself,starting over, and ultimately raising my consciousness. I decided recently I truly want to live. So I'm taking the steps to become and be the person I desire to be. I'm working on loving me and letting go of my past.

2 responses »

  1. I’ve been chanting the gayatri mantra for a few months now – that and the Om Namah Shivaya one. It is really powerful, even though I only do it for about 10 minutes prior to meditation. It’s quite amazing.

    I can also kind of relate regarding the relationship situation. I recently got a little hurt, starting to like someone who was only really interested in sex. I seem to attract a lot of people like that. Then I realised that I need to appreciate myself more and give myself the support and validation I was unconsciously looking for others to give me. It takes time and re-learning to do that. I’ve tended to be a bit austere toward myself and not being as kind to myself as I maybe am to others. But no longer. Its time to be my own best friend and my own lover.

    Hobbies definitely help – I love painting too (cool pic!) and animals (cute kitties!)…being in nature. Sitting watching the clouds go by. I was doing that just this morning.

    • Ah, I love chanting. I chant Om Namah Shivaya and also the Moola Mantra as well. If you have not heard the Moola Mantra you should check it out. I usually chant for 30 minutes a day. In someways, chanting saved my life.

      We are the same. Love and relationships are quite difficult for me. It seems I’m always giving in one way or another. There is no balance. It’s one of the reasons I started this journey. I decided I needed to love and honor myself deeply. That it’s my time to deeply reflect on myself. Nearly 9 years later I still find myself falling into old cycles sometimes.

      I went through a horrible divorce that impacted my being to the core. I spent many years hating myself and feeling I was disposable. During my lowest moments, I found strength through chanting and meditation.

      I love being creative. I love animals but cats are my favorites. Thank you so very much for your compliments but more importantly thank you for being you:-) I wish you the absolute best on your journey of healing.

      Namaste,
      Destiny

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