Where do I begin? Today has been such a rollercoaster ride for me emotionally. I woke up feeling so much despair and sorrow. I’m not sure why since the day before was quite positive. Needless to say since my mind was in full control creating panic and anxiety, I decided to chant. Chanting has always made me feel calm and peaceful. So I chant the Gayatri Mantra. I feel elevated and my soul becomes silent. This is great right…well yes of course silence is always wonderful.
So after an hour of chanting. I meditate, and all is well in my little world. Little do I know, a storm is brewing. So my boyfriend…well that’s not the best title since he and I are not in a traditional situation. So maybe roommate would be better. Anyways, we have a brief argument. I don’t know why, but I allowed him to affect me so deeply. In that moment, it’s as if my life flashes before my eyes and I realize I’ve been doing this my whole life. Toxic relationships and friends…why do I subject myself to this insanity? Surely, this isn’t love and I doubt it has anything to do with love. So what is causing me to be so self destructive? I’m not afraid to be alone, but I don’t know what else it could be. So I pondered this all today. The more thought about it, the more my mind begin spewing those lovely lies it likes to tell. I don’t know what I’d do with no-mind…wait, I’d be happy. So I end up binge eating and feeling absolutely horrid. Sometime afterwards I look in the mirror and just cry. As I stare at myself, some strong emotion comes and says” I will not go easily into the night. So get your shit together and trust that everything will be alright”. So the tears dry up and I have this thought “What I need is a new hobby”.
Afghan I want to make
My last painting
I have so much free time these days and I needed to start taking advantage of it. So I browse the net for something new to do (outside of painting and writing). So I see this beautiful afghan and I think,” Hey I can do that”. So I go to Hobby Lobby and buy supplies. So after picking up a beginners kit, how to dvd, and yarn I return home. I read the book, watch the dvd and begin. As soon as these two see me pull out the yarn, the party begins.
Gaara and Fanta
So needless to say I kept shooing them away. After 20 minutes of being attacked I gave my furballs a roll of yarn. Then started again. Ok, this is not as easy as it looks. I decided to spend sometime on youtube cause I need all the help I can get.
Today…hmmm…what can I say it’s been a quiet adventure. I tried to spend an hour chanting today. For whatever reason I just couldn’t focus. I guess it was all the wierd dreams I had that really was distracting me. Why would there be green beans and potatoes be under the hood of a red mustang?? I feel like my subconscious mind is trying to tell me something. Hmm….something like hey check under your hood before you start your car. Oh that’s right, I don’t own a car. Maybe it’s related to this new journey I’m starting. Either way it was a strange dream that has had me puzzled all day.
Ok so back to the chanting, I managed to do 30 min. My beloved lil fluffy man Gaara decided he wanted to chant too. So needless to say he climbs into my lap and starts meowing constantly. So finally I finish,look down and pet him. Oh, you didn’t want to chant, you say, you wanted to play with my ear gauges…lol. Ok here’s the brief back story. A few days ago I wake up and find one of my plugs is missing from my ear. I look in and around the bed for it, but no luck. So I put in some tiger’s eye plugs and move on with my day. Then around noon, my lil fluffy is seen spinning something around on the bathroom floor. He’s going crazy, running everywhere, having the time of his life. Guess what his new toy is? Yep, that’s right my jade plug. So after he goes to re-hydrate I decide to clean it and put it with the other one. This morning, I decided to put my jade plugs in. I guess Gaara isn’t having it. So I’m back to one jade plug, til my order comes in. Can you say spoiled kitty:)
Today I also had the best peaches ever. I felt like, hey I can be a fruitarian, but my body said”No way”. Needless to say after 2 peaches I hurt all over…Damn you insulin resistance and PCOS. So I have to limit even the good stuff. Perhaps one day I’ll be allowed in peach heaven:)
After my brief despair I started reading the Tao of Pooh. Why, you may ask? Well isn’t obvious…who doesn’t love Winnie? I’ve read this book twice and it always makes me smile. It’s a good read as well. After my tango with Winnie, I moved on to the salsa with Osho and started reading Above all Don’t Wobble. So far it has been a good read. It has already forced me to look at the chic in the mirror. It’s time to dump some luggage and pack lite. So I need to simplify my life. Devote myself totally to this process. No half stepping. Now I’m rewriting my agenda,and goals. I know one thing for sure…well several things actually.
1. I’m going to Greece
2. I’m going to follow a healthy vegan lifestyle
3. I need to remove toxic people from my life
4. I have to lose weight
5. No more excuses
6. I come first
7. I’m moving…I need adventure,culture,laughter,love and a healthy environment.
So those are the things I figured out today. I’ve been procrastinating and putting aside my life for my family,a broken relationship and fear.
These are so motivating for me. At the least it gives me a different perspective on my life,journey and ultimately the path I have chosen to take. Even though I am feeling unwell,I am going to focus on moving forward,acceptance,and self love. Today I will get back to chanting the Gayatri mantra. It is the first mantra I learned several years ago. Over the last few months I have truly slacked off due to depression and stress. I have learned many Buddhist, andHindu mantras through the years. I figured something out only recently…I need to focus on one thing at a time. So I’m devoted to chanting the Gayatri mantra for the next 6 months. After that maybe I will chant the Moola,Shiva,Ganesh or maybe even the Lotus sutra. For now I will simplify my journey, both spiritual and physical.
Also, I’ve decided to return to veganism. I will do baby steps. Being a vegetarian is easy for me. So I will resume that path and step by step eliminate dairy. Especially since dairy and pcos doesn’t get along well. I know this will be a struggle for me ultimately because my boyfriend enjoys the S.A.D. lifestyle. In many ways us living together has been my downfall as far as my health is concerned. I will do my best regardless.