Category Archives: Depression

Update Time!

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Update Time!

I honestly don’t know where to start hmm… so married life has been intense and I was slightly unprepared for the eventual culture clash. However, I have adjusted and embraced his Igbo culture. Having been raised by an American mom and a Zimbabwean father, I’ve always been around various ethnicities and cultures. Surprisingly, I’d never met an Igbo person. So my husband is my first. He’s extremely traditional and a very proud Aro Igbo. These few months have been exciting, liberating, depressing and tumultuous. We married in February. It was a small civil ceremony. I desired a really big lavish wedding, but after finding out his mother and brother wouldn’t be able to fly over, we decided to keep it simple and have a big ceremony in the future when his family will be able to attend. A few weeks after being married, I discovered I was pregnant.  The joy I felt I can’t describe. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. My husband and I celebrated with family and friends. Everything was perfect. Then on April 11th, in room 13, at 13 weeks, I miscarried triplets. I was beyond devastated. All I could do was cry. There was no comforting me. I locked myself away for weeks. My heart,  my soul, my spirit was broken. I didn’t believe I’d recover. In fact, I wanted to die. Life without my angels seemed useless. Eventually, I decided to  pray, chant, and write.  With the support of family and friends I regained a little composure. I’m still grieving but as of today I feel comfort in knowing that I got to briefly experience something so magical. So I’m grateful for those wonderful 13 weeks and all of the morning sickness. My husband didn’t handle things well either. Which is understandable. We have been working hard to get back on track. I believe through tragedy we often find a deeper respect for life. So I’m blessed to continue on this journey and experience all the wonders of life.

Of course,  I have to post a few pictures of the past few months.

This is me at 10 weeks and I looked 6 months lol.

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Wedding day selfie

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Frank and I, on Easter Sunday at Moody Gardens Rainforest Pyramid.

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Civil ceremony on February 16th

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My current look

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My sweetheart Blue

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My little man, Beamer

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New Year, New Goals

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So many things have transpired in my life the last 2 weeks so this will be a lengthy post. I spent the holiday season mostly being sick and depressed. The sickness was due to symptoms of PCOS. Which had a trickle down effect and ultimately I ended up very depressed.

I have made so many changes to my diet and lifestyle in the pursuit of healing. At the end of October I actually had lost nearly 40lbs . So I was feeling great. Then I decided to visit my doctor for a routine check up and blood work. Well needless to say he convinced me to try a medicine that supposedly has been helping many women with Pcos. So I decided to try it for 2 weeks. After a week and a half I turned green, had extreme fatigue, and thought I was dying. After some additional research I only found one other person who had the same reaction. I immediately stopped all meds, spoke to my doctor and went on a detox. After nearly 3 months my color is almost back to normal. I’m still dealing with fatigue but it will pass soon. So my holiday was beyond depressing and for the first time in years I wanted to just give up. I’m so exhausted of being sick.

However, on new years day I turned 33 and my dad told me something that really made me smile. He said ” You’re my hero and this world is blessed to have you “. Honestly, I never knew my dad thought so highly of me. After spending nearly the whole day with my parents, I felt encouraged and inspired. Their perspective of me is drastically different from what I see. So I’ve decided to make some goals for the year. My main goal has always been my health but this year I’m going to focus more on being happy regardless of my circumstances. I guess you could say my year ended on a good note. A friend posted the image below on Facebook and as usual I decided to share.

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Also thank you all so very much for your loving support. You are truly appreciated.

Love,

Destiny

Love and Truth

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I absolutely love this quote by Mooji. Honestly it couldn’t have come at a better time. My beloved Fanta passed away yesterday evening. I know many around me don’t understand how I could love a cat so much, but to me she was family. She gave me a reason to live when I thought I couldn’t make it after my divorce . She was my closest friend and my companion. I have not felt this much sorrow on many years, but in some ways I’m happy for these bitter tears. I’m sure there’s some great lesson I’m suppose to learn from all this, but right now all I feel is heartache. I have lost my best friend, but I know she will live on in all the wonderful memories she has left behind. So this post is for Fanta Marie, my heart, my dearest friend, you are loved deeply and truly will be missed greatly. I know you are in a better place and I’m sure we will be together again.

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Life

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Many things have happened these past few weeks. My mind is in such a divided state, so please excuse me if this post is a bit scattered. Where to begin….hmmm…ok so about 2 weeks ago my mom was admitted to the hospital due to chest pains. Thankfully her heart is healthy and all her tests were negative. The cause of her pain was low potassium,magnesium and stress. So she was put on bed rest for a few days. During her hospitalization so many things occured to me. So here’s the very sad truths I experienced.

While in the emergency room, there was this older gentleman and his wife. Even though they came by ambulance, they somehow ended up sitting in the waiting room. He had an I.V. in his arm and his line didn’t look proper. You could see blood traveling up the line instead of the I.V. fluid traveling downward. So needless to say I knew it was going to be a long night. So as I sat there with my mom and Matt I pondered as to what was wrong with this man. He was slouched over in pain and his poor wife eyes were filled with tears. I was thinking to myself what can I do to help. It’s obvious this hospital isn’t able to accomodate him or anyone else at this time. I felt the deepest sorrow and sadness as I looked around. No smiling faces, only worry in most people eyes. After sitting there for 6 hours they finally call my mom back. So as we’re sitting in the hallway, a nurse comes over apologizing saying how swamped they are and that all the rooms are full, so they’re now putting people in beds in the hallway areas. During this same time Matt texts me and says the old man has passed out and is now purple. The ER staff rush out and bring him back. They take a patient out of his room and leave him in the hall way while they desperately try to recesitate the man. I hear different codes called and from my personal experience as a sleep technician for SIDS babies I know things are very bad. I see the elderly lady crying and screaming in the hallway, the situation seems hopeless. My mom and I sat there while they literally spent an hour doing CPR. At this time I’m thinking even if he pulls through he will be so broken up and injured he may wish he was dead. Ok, now let me rewind a bit, the man came in with right upper quadrant pain, nausea and vomitting, so most would say gallbladder. So how does someone go from a possible ruptured gallbladder to broken ribs, crushed diaphram, internal bleeding,seizures, and etc. Things were so bad that the EMS was dropping off patients and then switching off with the nursing staff to render CPR. The hallways were filled with frantic people and lots of tears. However, there was one nurse in particular who said” He’s pretty much dead, they should just give up”. Her comments were very eye opening, sad and distasteful. At this point HIPAA, was thrown completely out the window. All this time I was thinking to myself, if I were in that position what would I do. I’ve only been truly deathly ill once and that was due to an allergic reaction to Pizza Hut’s marinara sauce. I think it was contaminated with shellfish somehow. I’m deathly allergic to shellfish. Needless to say I survived. Anyways, that whole experience it really had a huge impact on me. I felt so much sorrow, worry, grief and stress. The man survived. He was life flighted to Hermann Memorial, and they were able to stabilize him. He’s still in the hospital though and will be for quite sometime. After this whole experience I spiraled into a bit of depression, but why? I’ve worked in the medical field for awhile and in various positions, so this shouldn’t have troubled me so deeply, but it did. It took me back to a resident that used to live at a nursing center I worked at. I saw him go from being a healthy 60 yr old to death in a 2 week period. I remember sitting beside his bed singing and praying for him. I remember the moment he died. He was so alone, no family, no friends…just alone. The day he died I remember thinking what a sad way to die. Just he and I, a complete stranger. He didn’t even know my name. I wasn’t assigned to his area. I just happened to hear the gossip about a very sick resident whom even doctors didn’t know what was wrong with him. He had only 1 mysterious vistor since he’d been there. After that visit he began to sick. There were nurses speaking of magic, poisoning and all types of things. So my curiousity won. So after my shift every evening I’d sit in his room and sing to him. He only opened his eyes once and that was the moment he died. He looked right at me. I held his hand and sat there crying. After that day, I rarily visited with residents. I used to give out books, snacks and little things I seen at the store to them, because if I could simply make someone smile, it somehow made it all better. After sometime went by I became ill and resigned. I’m sure it was a combination of the sadness I felt each day and all of the hopelessness.

Now, that I look back on this past experience I wonder what the purpose of life is yet again. It’s so fragile, and it all seems so meaningless. Though, I’d like to think I’m not afraid of death, perhaps I am. Perhaps the root cause of all of my depression and self injury of the past is I fear my mortality. Maybe that’s why I spend hours reading fantasy,scifi and the likes. Perhaps, I’m afraid to live when I know I’m going to die. I read and watch all these spiritual things, but what’s the point. I want to be happy in this life, yet to be honest I’m more concerned about what happens next…

These are the thoughts, feelings and images that has been stuck in my head every since the night I spent in the ER. It changed me. As I feel my depression rolling away yet again and I seek the warmth of the sun, I can’t help but be reminded that this too, shall pass.

Sadness

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Ok, so I’m sitting here, wide awake at 3:40am crying. Why am I crying? Hmmm…the realization that I’ve spent my entire life chasing love. Well since the demise of my 4 year relationship I’ve thought about why it had to end. Initially I was thinking it’s me, I’m unlovable because I’m such a broken person. Then today…well 20 minutes ago, I realize I enabled the nonsense that was my relationship. I was silent when I should have spoken up. I don’t blame him for taking advantage of my insecurities. In every relationship I’ve comprised my being,my happiness,my heart and ultimately my soul. At the time I thought I was just being normal and accepting them as they are. Now I know differently. I was afraid. Afraid of causing strife and arguments. All of this makes me even more aware that being alone is best for me. Maybe I am simply not good for anyone and love is simply not in the cards. Either way I see a future of aloneness. I was joking with a friend recently saying I should become a buddhist nun, well now after reflecting on this statement, maybe that’s not a bad idea. It is something I will research.

Anyways, in the next couple months I plan to move and start life over after my European vacation. Now, I am even more certain I will spend sometime globe trotting and writing. Hopefully I’ll be able to buy my dream home and meet some new interesting people in the process of my transformation.

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The Binge and the Restless

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Where do I begin? Today has been such a rollercoaster ride for me emotionally. I woke up feeling so much despair and sorrow. I’m not sure why since the day before was quite positive. Needless to say since my mind was in full control creating panic and anxiety, I decided to chant. Chanting has always made me feel calm and peaceful. So I chant the Gayatri Mantra. I feel elevated and my soul becomes silent. This is great right…well yes of course silence is always wonderful.

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So after an hour of chanting. I meditate, and all is well in my little world. Little do I know, a storm is brewing. So my boyfriend…well that’s not the best title since he and I are not in a traditional situation. So maybe roommate would be better. Anyways, we have a brief argument. I don’t know why,  but I allowed him to affect me so deeply. In that moment, it’s as if my life flashes before my eyes and I realize I’ve been doing this my whole life. Toxic relationships and friends…why do I subject myself to this insanity? Surely, this isn’t love and I doubt it has anything to do with love. So what is causing me to be so self destructive? I’m not afraid to be alone, but I don’t know what else it could be. So I pondered this all today. The more  thought about it, the more my mind begin spewing those lovely lies it likes to tell. I don’t know what I’d do with no-mind…wait, I’d be happy. So I end up binge eating and feeling absolutely horrid. Sometime afterwards I look in the mirror and just cry. As I stare at myself, some strong emotion comes and says” I will not go easily into the night. So get your shit together and trust that everything will be alright”. So the tears dry up and I have this thought “What I need is a new hobby”.

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                                      Afghan I want to make

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                                           My last painting

  I have so much free time these days and I needed to start taking advantage of it. So I browse the net for something new to do (outside of painting and writing). So I see this beautiful afghan and I think,” Hey I can do that”. So I go to Hobby Lobby and buy supplies. So after picking up a beginners kit, how to dvd, and yarn I return home. I read the book, watch the dvd and begin. As soon as these two see me pull out the yarn, the party begins.

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                                    Gaara and Fanta

So needless to say I kept shooing them away. After 20 minutes of being attacked I gave my furballs a roll of yarn. Then started again. Ok, this is not as easy as it looks. I decided to spend sometime on youtube cause I need all the help I can get.