I’m not sure who created this but it was posted on Facebook . I found it inspiring so I figured I’d share.
So today as I was surfacing through my news feed on Facebook I happen to come across a post by Mooji. This post came at the perfect time. I was sitting, listening to music and thinking about the age old question “Who am I “? Well I’ve been on a journey of self discovery for many years now and the one thing I noticed about my past is I identified myself with my environment, religion, family and etc. For the last few years I’ve been stripping it all away because I know that I am not those things. The crazy battle I had trying to be everyone’s everything, yet being nothing was a hard lesson I learned.
So now when I reflect upon the words of Mooji I finally understand the depth of non-duality and the purposeful journey I am on.
Here’s the excerpt posted by Mooji today.
” When you realise the Self, you are free. Freedom means somehow: You are always in peace, you are not being peaceful. You are always kind, you are not being kind. You are always the Self.. Not sometimes. Not mostly. And then your ‘ And then’ – stories are over. There is no ‘ And then’ for the Self. What is it like inside the body? It’s like you are space moving about in space, but not just dry, phenomenal space … Spirit Space. Intelligent space. Your mind is always quiet. Even if it is momentarily troubled, it will swiftly return to its natural peacefulness for that is the true state of the mind. You experience all emotions, even anger, even sorrow but they are momentary – they don’t become routine states. You perceive all energetically. Your intuitive powers open up. You understand things that cannot be explained. Your being will not feel glued in this body – it can move about and occupy different positions of being. You don’t judge other people – not deeply. Whatever comes, bitter or sweet, your being will embrace it as Grace. Such will be your good fortune.”
Monte Sahaja, 18th of December 2012
Many things have happened these past few weeks. My mind is in such a divided state, so please excuse me if this post is a bit scattered. Where to begin….hmmm…ok so about 2 weeks ago my mom was admitted to the hospital due to chest pains. Thankfully her heart is healthy and all her tests were negative. The cause of her pain was low potassium,magnesium and stress. So she was put on bed rest for a few days. During her hospitalization so many things occured to me. So here’s the very sad truths I experienced.
While in the emergency room, there was this older gentleman and his wife. Even though they came by ambulance, they somehow ended up sitting in the waiting room. He had an I.V. in his arm and his line didn’t look proper. You could see blood traveling up the line instead of the I.V. fluid traveling downward. So needless to say I knew it was going to be a long night. So as I sat there with my mom and Matt I pondered as to what was wrong with this man. He was slouched over in pain and his poor wife eyes were filled with tears. I was thinking to myself what can I do to help. It’s obvious this hospital isn’t able to accomodate him or anyone else at this time. I felt the deepest sorrow and sadness as I looked around. No smiling faces, only worry in most people eyes. After sitting there for 6 hours they finally call my mom back. So as we’re sitting in the hallway, a nurse comes over apologizing saying how swamped they are and that all the rooms are full, so they’re now putting people in beds in the hallway areas. During this same time Matt texts me and says the old man has passed out and is now purple. The ER staff rush out and bring him back. They take a patient out of his room and leave him in the hall way while they desperately try to recesitate the man. I hear different codes called and from my personal experience as a sleep technician for SIDS babies I know things are very bad. I see the elderly lady crying and screaming in the hallway, the situation seems hopeless. My mom and I sat there while they literally spent an hour doing CPR. At this time I’m thinking even if he pulls through he will be so broken up and injured he may wish he was dead. Ok, now let me rewind a bit, the man came in with right upper quadrant pain, nausea and vomitting, so most would say gallbladder. So how does someone go from a possible ruptured gallbladder to broken ribs, crushed diaphram, internal bleeding,seizures, and etc. Things were so bad that the EMS was dropping off patients and then switching off with the nursing staff to render CPR. The hallways were filled with frantic people and lots of tears. However, there was one nurse in particular who said” He’s pretty much dead, they should just give up”. Her comments were very eye opening, sad and distasteful. At this point HIPAA, was thrown completely out the window. All this time I was thinking to myself, if I were in that position what would I do. I’ve only been truly deathly ill once and that was due to an allergic reaction to Pizza Hut’s marinara sauce. I think it was contaminated with shellfish somehow. I’m deathly allergic to shellfish. Needless to say I survived. Anyways, that whole experience it really had a huge impact on me. I felt so much sorrow, worry, grief and stress. The man survived. He was life flighted to Hermann Memorial, and they were able to stabilize him. He’s still in the hospital though and will be for quite sometime. After this whole experience I spiraled into a bit of depression, but why? I’ve worked in the medical field for awhile and in various positions, so this shouldn’t have troubled me so deeply, but it did. It took me back to a resident that used to live at a nursing center I worked at. I saw him go from being a healthy 60 yr old to death in a 2 week period. I remember sitting beside his bed singing and praying for him. I remember the moment he died. He was so alone, no family, no friends…just alone. The day he died I remember thinking what a sad way to die. Just he and I, a complete stranger. He didn’t even know my name. I wasn’t assigned to his area. I just happened to hear the gossip about a very sick resident whom even doctors didn’t know what was wrong with him. He had only 1 mysterious vistor since he’d been there. After that visit he began to sick. There were nurses speaking of magic, poisoning and all types of things. So my curiousity won. So after my shift every evening I’d sit in his room and sing to him. He only opened his eyes once and that was the moment he died. He looked right at me. I held his hand and sat there crying. After that day, I rarily visited with residents. I used to give out books, snacks and little things I seen at the store to them, because if I could simply make someone smile, it somehow made it all better. After sometime went by I became ill and resigned. I’m sure it was a combination of the sadness I felt each day and all of the hopelessness.
Now, that I look back on this past experience I wonder what the purpose of life is yet again. It’s so fragile, and it all seems so meaningless. Though, I’d like to think I’m not afraid of death, perhaps I am. Perhaps the root cause of all of my depression and self injury of the past is I fear my mortality. Maybe that’s why I spend hours reading fantasy,scifi and the likes. Perhaps, I’m afraid to live when I know I’m going to die. I read and watch all these spiritual things, but what’s the point. I want to be happy in this life, yet to be honest I’m more concerned about what happens next…
These are the thoughts, feelings and images that has been stuck in my head every since the night I spent in the ER. It changed me. As I feel my depression rolling away yet again and I seek the warmth of the sun, I can’t help but be reminded that this too, shall pass.
I recently (as in last night) started reading No Water, No Moon by Osho, and this book is simply amazing. So I decided to share some of it’s wisdom with you all. Here’s the excerpt I read that convinced me to read this :
”Are you not tired enough with the mind? Then retire! Has not the mind done enough? Has the mind not created enough chaos in you? Why are you clinging to it? What hope, what promise, makes you cling to it? It has been deceiving you continuously. It said, “There – that goal, in that possession, in that house, in that car, in that woman, in those riches – is everything.” And you moved, and when you reached, nothing came into your hands except frustration. Every expectation led you to frustration. Every desire became in the end a sorry affair, a sadness resulted.
And this mind has been promising you and promising you – no promise has been fulfilled, but you never say to the mind, “You deceiver, stop!” You are afraid of saying that.
Once it happened…
Mulla Nasruddin came out of the village tavern, and the new priest saw him – he was passing by on the road. The new priest said, “Nasruddin, you are a religious man. What do I see? You are coming out of such a place? My son, drink is of the Devil. And when the Devil invites you again, refuse. Why don’t you refuse?”
Nasruddin said, “Reverend, I would like to refuse, but the Devil may get sore and may not invite me again.”
That’s the problem. You would like to refuse this mind; this mind has never fulfilled anything,but you are afraid – the mind may get sore, will not promise you again. Then…? You cannot live without promises, you cannot live without hope –this is the mechanism.
Unless you are ready to live without hope, you cannot become religious. Even your so-called religions are nothing but hopes created by the mind. Are you ready to live without hope? Are you ready to live without the future? Then simply there is no need to retire; the mind retires itself. Then there is no clinging with the mind. But you are afraid – the mind may get sore. And the mind is the Devil and may not offer again, then what will you do?
People come to me, they think their search is religious – their search is still mental. They are still moving in the dark valleys of the mind, they are still listening to the mind, they are hoping. They have hoped through money, and they have failed; they have hoped through sex, they have failed. They have hoped in many, many ways, and they have failed. Now they hope through meditation, now they hope through a master, but the hoping is there. And remember well: ifyou hope through me, you will miss me. I cannot fulfill your hopes.
Why not leave hoping? Why do you hope? What is the basis of it? Discontent becomes hope; this is the disguise – because here and now you are so much in discontent, so much in misery, that you need some hope in the future. That hope will help you to move. You can somehow tolerate the present; through hoping, you can tolerate the present; hope is anesthesia. The present is miserable, painful; hope is alcoholic, it is a drug, it makes you unconscious enough so you can tolerate the present.
Hope means here and now there is discontent. But have you ever looked at the whole phenomenon? Why are you discontented here and now in the first place? Why? – because you hoped in the past, that’s why here and now you are in discontent. This today was tomorrow yesterday. Yesterday you hoped for today because it was tomorrow then. Now that hope is not fulfilled, so you are in misery, frustrated. And to hide this misery, to somehow pass today, you are again hoping for the tomorrow.
You are in a rut, and in such a rut that it will be very difficult to come out of it. Tomorrow the same will happen: you will be frustrated because mind can promise but can never fulfill. Otherwise, there was no need for meditation; then Buddha was a fool meditating.
If mind can fulfill, then all meditators are foolish, then all enlightened persons are fools because mind cannot fulfill. When they come to understand the whole mechanism and the whole misery of it… This is the mechanism: yesterday mind promised you that something is going to be delivered to you tomorrow. Now the tomorrow has come, it is today, and the mind has not delivered. You are in misery, your expectations are frustrated. Now the mind says, “Tomorrow I am going to deliver.” The mind again promises. And what type of stupidity is this, that you again listen to the mind? And tomorrow the same mechanism will be repeated – it is a vicious circle.
You listen to the mind, you become miserable, otherwise, this today is paradise! And there is no other paradise, this today is nirvana. If you had not listened to the mind… Just don’t listen to the mind, then you are not in misery because misery cannot exist without expectations and without hopes. And when misery exists you need more hopes for it, to hide it, to live somehow. Live hopelessly – then you are a religious man, then you are retired.”
This excerpt truly got me thinking about hope and what it truly means. Hoping for things and wishful thinking have become a norm in my life. So this book pointed me back the present…the here and now. I’m only on chapter 3, but already I have found myself crying. Looking at the woman in the mirror is always so unsettling, but it is something I must do. I highly recommend this book if you are on a path of self discovery or even if you’re simply looking for ways to improve your life.
One of my facebook friends shared this photo today. It got me thinking about non-duality and oneness. It’s an image of Shiva and Shakti as one. This image has been stuck in my head because it reminds me of my own journey of finding harmony within and without. The balance that is illustrated is astonishing to me. How does one obtain such balance? Is it possible for me to be so harmonious? These are the questions that popped in my head. Then the very next image that was shared was this
This is an image of Shiva as Nataraja. He is dancing. The very short and uneducated version…ie my understanding…He is dancing to destroy the darkness that is ignorance and the like. Also at the same time He is creating. So I found this yet again profound. Even in destruction there is harmony and balance. So as I reflect upon myself I see there is no harmony within. I’m always going from one extreme to the next. I need this dance in my life. I need the harmony that Shiva and Shakti have. All of this thinking inevitably guided me to one thought…the purpose of life. If the purpose for living is to wake up and realize we are one in love…in silence. That there is a single heartbeat of creation. Then I am on the outside of this heartbeat. How can I be apart of the whole when I am such a divided person? In my heart I know my truths, it is my mind which has the problem. It doesn’t want to cooperate. It’s always fighting one way or another. Honestly, if my mind were to stop fighting I wouldn’t know what to do. I wonder if this is apart of capricorn nature. Nonetheless, I will continue to persevere because I know that eventually this too shall pass.
So here lately, I’ve been truly focused on living in the present. I never realized how much my mind wonders everywhere except the present. I guess you could call this an experiment. I wanted to see what I was clinging to subconciously. Apparently, I’m a serious clinger. I realized that by keeping myself busy, I was avoiding dealing with my issues. I was rushing ahead to the future and trying to plan out my next year. Then it hit me, why am I rushing and so focused on tomorrow? My guess, yet another projection of the mind that it’s important. What I mean is, it was all a lie. My motives were not well placed. So I decided to slow down to snail pace and just listen.
In the process of my slowdown a friend shared with me 2 Mooji videos, which I blogged separately below. They truly helped me. I was losing sight of my path. Somehow, I started longing for something more than what I percieved I needed. Turns out this too, was a lie. Well I think I finally got near to the root as to why my relationships fail. Its the projections. I don’t think I truly get to know people. I meet their facade, then mix it with my projection, and hocus pocus here’s the new love of my life…lol. Also throw in some fear for good measure. Then I regret it or continuously try to fix the person because they don’t measure up to my ideal…also known as illusion.
So as I strive to get to know me more and more daily I realize how complex and insane I am. Why do I have to be so complicated, and what purpose does it serve? I think these are all the minds games. I don’t have to be any of these things. It goes back to choices. I’ve been running on auto pilot for years, and now I want to control my path and destination. I want to live in Blissland…lol. So how is that possible? Well first, no more auto pilot. Secondly, no more self delusion. Third, slow down…simplicity. Fourth, drop desire and attachments. I saved the hardest for last. Desire and attachments, this is what creates so much suffering. I don’t want to suffer anymore. So I have to find away to be conscious and aware 24/7 vs falling for maya. Needless to say many lessons have been learned over the last few days. I have an ego problem. I need a ego anoymous group meeting to attend…lol. The journey continues and I’m sure as time passes I will grow into a more aware individual. Til then I will continue to use my time studying,praying,chanting,meditating, writing and of course enjoying my kitties;-)