So today as I was surfacing through my news feed on Facebook I happen to come across a post by Mooji. This post came at the perfect time. I was sitting, listening to music and thinking about the age old question “Who am I “? Well I’ve been on a journey of self discovery for many years now and the one thing I noticed about my past is I identified myself with my environment, religion, family and etc. For the last few years I’ve been stripping it all away because I know that I am not those things. The crazy battle I had trying to be everyone’s everything, yet being nothing was a hard lesson I learned.
So now when I reflect upon the words of Mooji I finally understand the depth of non-duality and the purposeful journey I am on.
Here’s the excerpt posted by Mooji today.
” When you realise the Self, you are free. Freedom means somehow: You are always in peace, you are not being peaceful. You are always kind, you are not being kind. You are always the Self.. Not sometimes. Not mostly. And then your ‘ And then’ – stories are over. There is no ‘ And then’ for the Self. What is it like inside the body? It’s like you are space moving about in space, but not just dry, phenomenal space … Spirit Space. Intelligent space. Your mind is always quiet. Even if it is momentarily troubled, it will swiftly return to its natural peacefulness for that is the true state of the mind. You experience all emotions, even anger, even sorrow but they are momentary – they don’t become routine states. You perceive all energetically. Your intuitive powers open up. You understand things that cannot be explained. Your being will not feel glued in this body – it can move about and occupy different positions of being. You don’t judge other people – not deeply. Whatever comes, bitter or sweet, your being will embrace it as Grace. Such will be your good fortune.”
Monte Sahaja, 18th of December 2012
First, and foremost, I’ d like to thank you all for liking and following my blog. To my new followers, I hope my blog inspires and motivates you to pursue your dreams.
This is very true. Why do we as humans cling to that which is harmful? I believe some of us feel we don’t deserve better. I know from my personal experiences I have done this many times. Whether it is the job I hate, a broken relationship or bad eating habits. I remember a few years ago I was working in a pharmacy as a legal drug pusher. I kept thinking to myself, “Wow, these drugs are suppose to help people, but instead they create more problems”. At that time I was actually preparing to become a pharmacist, but my ethics, morality and overall feelings were I really wouldn’ t be helping people. The more I learned about the various drugs, I was convinced more than half of them should be pulled from the market. So I had a serious dilemma. I needed the job and also I had invested so much money and time going to school. So after months passed by and I started hating myself for knowingly causing harm to people. So after about 6 months I had enough. I turned in my resignation and spoke to the head pharmacist about everything. She told me that after sometime you grow numb to thoughts like that and it’s not our fault the doctors don’t know nor understand the harm of certain medications. Also they get paid by the pharmaceutical companies to write prescriptions, so it’s a source of income for them. She tried to talk me out of resigning, and after an hour I knew for certain I didn’t want to become numb to killing people. So I resigned and never looked back. Sure I miss the money, but I am happy with my decision. I was making myself sick over it all and soon as I walked out of the pharmacy I felt a hundred times better.
So to me this is what the above quote is about. If you are not happy in your life then make changes. Figure out what is best for you. What do you aspire to do,to live, to be? If you are not doing what you truly desire then find a way to do it. Create a plan and stick with it. You can do it. You can totally transform your life. I’m a walking example of that. One day I will share more of my life story, and perhaps it will inspire someone. Trust me, my transformation is far from over, but I am confident that I will live my dreams.
A friend of mine shared this with me. Its from the website marcandangel.com. Be prepared to think:)
These questions have no right or wrong answers.
Because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer.
1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
22. Why are you, you?
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
25. What are you most grateful for?
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
32. If not now, then when?
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
So lately the running theme in my conversations has been aloneness vs loneliness. My friends, well one in particular is the type that can never be truly alone. So she’s a serial dater and constantly is calling or texting me. After getting highly annoyed I finally asked her ” What’s wrong with being alone?” In which she responded ” Everything”. Ummm…ok. Since I have started on this journey the one thing I love is aloneness and silence. So it’s quite difficult to relate at this moment.
However, I remember about 5 years ago I was terrified of being alone, of being the crazy cat lady. So as I thought back to those times my realization was I was afraid of being with myself. Having to look at the woman in the mirror isn’t always a pretty sight. It took a lot of time for me to get to where I’m at today. Peeling the layers of filth away was painful and it still is. In fact if I hadn’t of taken her love advice, today odds are I’d be in a much better place emotionally.
I allowed my ego to control even though in my heart I knew it was a bad idea. Why had I listened to my ego? Hmmm….I think the distorted pictures it painted and the prospect of escaping myself was a nice idea. Now I’d be able to keep projecting lies,live in denial, and run away from me. I would once again focus solely on someone else. Well needless to say it was one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made. I don ‘t regret it though. I have gained so much insight into my insanity. I know for certain those lessons will help me to be wiser on this journey.
Anyways, what is it that drives so many people to seek love? Is it fear? Is it something family,society and fairytale books have brainwashed us into? How can anyone truly love if they first haven’t loved themselves? I think in order to love one has to love themselves and to truly experience the Divine’s love. To live and breathe love. Why does love have to be limited to relationships? Love is the ultimate freedom. It is a beautiful dance in which there is no escape. Love is as Osho describes a beautiful flower. Sex is the lowest form,love is the petals, and compassion is the scent. I want this flower in my life, but for now it is simply not time. I need to learn to truly love myself first. So I will not go seeking that which is outside, but turn inside. Embrace self love, self compassion,and forgiveness.
Silence is golden, and in silence truth can be found, love can be touched, and joy so profound can be felt. Aloneness is key, it is a necessity. When I speak of aloneness I’m not speaking of isolation. Isolation brings separation, aloneness brings unity, mind,body, and soul. It teaches you oneness. Oneness is what is missing in this world. There’s to much isolation and I’s, not enough unity, and oneness. So as I continue my journey I will walk in silence,live in silence, pray in silence and just listen to the heartbeat of oneness as it grows stronger, so will compassion and love.
In today’s world, society ideals of beauty are typically a size 5,long hair, and a cross between Giselle and Naomi. Well as I sat today looking in the mirror, which is very rare for me, I realized I look nothing like the above. I spent nearly 5 years modeling in my teens and today I realize it created more harm than good. I have battled an eating disorder since I was 13. I went from anorexia to bulimia to just binging. Often times, I honestly fight to keep from upchucking. I’ve been trying hard to deal with myself. Occassionally I fail and binge, then I spend hours exercising or hours crying. I ask myself what the hell is wrong with me? What created such a divided and depressed person. Well several things come to mind…a dysfunctional family,Pcos, and abuse. This combination has truly been challenging. Due to years of undiagnosed Pcos and bulimia my hair started falling out 2 years ago. I was very depressed over this. Beauty is often associated with ones hair, so I tried everything to save my beautiful curls til recently. I decided it was time to let go. So I shaved my head, and honestly it has been a very freeing experience. I cried, but after it was over I felt wonderful. It was like all the years of striving to fit in and be one of the beautiful people all fell away. So I’ve decided to stay this way. To make my own standard of beauty. Yes, of course some won’t like it, but it’s not about them. This is my life and I’m taking back control. I’ve spent years living and being what everyone wants, but what about what I want? I want to dance in the rain,walk in grass barefoot,travel the world,smile and mean it,laugh like there’s no tomorrow and love like there’s only now…this moment. I want to enjoy my journey. When my life comes to an end, I simply want to smile silently and return to my creator.
Life doesn’t have to be so complicated. The mind creates this illusion of chaos, but truly there’s nothing there. It’s like Pema Chodron said “You are the sky, and everything else is just the weather”. This quote has been stuck in my head for days now. How does one separate the sky from the weather? The weather affects the sky…well it gives the allusion of being affected. So as a tree doesn’t fight against the seasons, I shall embrace the weather…accept what is and drop the minds lies. I guess this is what the root of this journey is. Reality vs Perception…hmmm… which is truth?