In today’s world, society ideals of beauty are typically a size 5,long hair, and a cross between Giselle and Naomi. Well as I sat today looking in the mirror, which is very rare for me, I realized I look nothing like the above. I spent nearly 5 years modeling in my teens and today I realize it created more harm than good. I have battled an eating disorder since I was 13. I went from anorexia to bulimia to just binging. Often times, I honestly fight to keep from upchucking. I’ve been trying hard to deal with myself. Occassionally I fail and binge, then I spend hours exercising or hours crying. I ask myself what the hell is wrong with me? What created such a divided and depressed person. Well several things come to mind…a dysfunctional family,Pcos, and abuse. This combination has truly been challenging. Due to years of undiagnosed Pcos and bulimia my hair started falling out 2 years ago. I was very depressed over this. Beauty is often associated with ones hair, so I tried everything to save my beautiful curls til recently. I decided it was time to let go. So I shaved my head, and honestly it has been a very freeing experience. I cried, but after it was over I felt wonderful. It was like all the years of striving to fit in and be one of the beautiful people all fell away. So I’ve decided to stay this way. To make my own standard of beauty. Yes, of course some won’t like it, but it’s not about them. This is my life and I’m taking back control. I’ve spent years living and being what everyone wants, but what about what I want? I want to dance in the rain,walk in grass barefoot,travel the world,smile and mean it,laugh like there’s no tomorrow and love like there’s only now…this moment. I want to enjoy my journey. When my life comes to an end, I simply want to smile silently and return to my creator.
Life doesn’t have to be so complicated. The mind creates this illusion of chaos, but truly there’s nothing there. It’s like Pema Chodron said “You are the sky, and everything else is just the weather”. This quote has been stuck in my head for days now. How does one separate the sky from the weather? The weather affects the sky…well it gives the allusion of being affected. So as a tree doesn’t fight against the seasons, I shall embrace the weather…accept what is and drop the minds lies. I guess this is what the root of this journey is. Reality vs Perception…hmmm… which is truth?