So lately the running theme in my conversations has been aloneness vs loneliness. My friends, well one in particular is the type that can never be truly alone. So she’s a serial dater and constantly is calling or texting me. After getting highly annoyed I finally asked her ” What’s wrong with being alone?” In which she responded ” Everything”. Ummm…ok. Since I have started on this journey the one thing I love is aloneness and silence. So it’s quite difficult to relate at this moment.
However, I remember about 5 years ago I was terrified of being alone, of being the crazy cat lady. So as I thought back to those times my realization was I was afraid of being with myself. Having to look at the woman in the mirror isn’t always a pretty sight. It took a lot of time for me to get to where I’m at today. Peeling the layers of filth away was painful and it still is. In fact if I hadn’t of taken her love advice, today odds are I’d be in a much better place emotionally.
I allowed my ego to control even though in my heart I knew it was a bad idea. Why had I listened to my ego? Hmmm….I think the distorted pictures it painted and the prospect of escaping myself was a nice idea. Now I’d be able to keep projecting lies,live in denial, and run away from me. I would once again focus solely on someone else. Well needless to say it was one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made. I don ‘t regret it though. I have gained so much insight into my insanity. I know for certain those lessons will help me to be wiser on this journey.
Anyways, what is it that drives so many people to seek love? Is it fear? Is it something family,society and fairytale books have brainwashed us into? How can anyone truly love if they first haven’t loved themselves? I think in order to love one has to love themselves and to truly experience the Divine’s love. To live and breathe love. Why does love have to be limited to relationships? Love is the ultimate freedom. It is a beautiful dance in which there is no escape. Love is as Osho describes a beautiful flower. Sex is the lowest form,love is the petals, and compassion is the scent. I want this flower in my life, but for now it is simply not time. I need to learn to truly love myself first. So I will not go seeking that which is outside, but turn inside. Embrace self love, self compassion,and forgiveness.
Silence is golden, and in silence truth can be found, love can be touched, and joy so profound can be felt. Aloneness is key, it is a necessity. When I speak of aloneness I’m not speaking of isolation. Isolation brings separation, aloneness brings unity, mind,body, and soul. It teaches you oneness. Oneness is what is missing in this world. There’s to much isolation and I’s, not enough unity, and oneness. So as I continue my journey I will walk in silence,live in silence, pray in silence and just listen to the heartbeat of oneness as it grows stronger, so will compassion and love.