I haven’t written in many years. Not because I didn’t desire to do so. I was too depressed and stuck in my head. My marriage was a horrid experience. Now, after 4 years of hell, I’m free. While I admit there were good moments, even dare I say happy moments, but they were always short lived. My ex, according to my therapist is a narcissist who suffers from BPD. I wish I would have known that before marriage, but I was blinded by his deception. 2019 was the year I found out he’d been cheating on me before we were married, and was still seeing multiple women. Even after knowing that, I still tried to be what he desired. My self-esteem and self-image was extremely damaged by him. I don’t blame him though. I made myself an easy target by being so submissive and naive.
I’ve spent this past few years trying to survive and find myself. Between Covid-19, my separation, death of family members, a career change, and being ill, I didn’t believe I was going to survive. …perhaps I didn’t want to survive. During this time period I prayed for death. I wanted to be free of this world. 2019-2020 were some of the worst years of my life. The light in my 2020 really centered around Beamer after Blue was killed by an irresponsible driver. I believe he’s the only reason I have continued on this journey. I lost my beloved Blue a few days before Christmas in 2019. My heart still laments over losing him. I would have preferred it was me who was killed instead of him. He was always so happy and joyful. He had a purpose for being. …I didn’t….I’m uncertain if I do currently. So 2019 ended in sadness. I have been melancholic for years but losing him took me to a much darker place. I will never forgive myself for not protecting him as I should have. Being in such a dark place did inspire my art and writing. I published a book for Kindle, “Memories of Love”, It’s a book of poetry and sonnets. It’s the story of my life. Though I’m proud of myself for taking a chance, I don’t really think it would have mattered if I didn’t.
Of course along the way I’ve made some friends and even found myself in a relationship. The new people who entered my life have become like family in many ways. It was a nice change. I’d gotten so used of being abused that I didn’t understand their kindness towards me. It is still puzzling today. I once spent several hours pondering why they had chosen to befriend me. I even have a confidant and I’m still trying to understand his interest in me. He’s been a great friend and his messages are often the highlight of my day. Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. People typically use me and throw me away like yesterday’s trash, but him, he hasn’t asked for a single thing from me. He just enjoys my conversing with me. It’s a refreshing change. He even bought my book.
Then of course, I met a man who wouldn’t take no for an answer. I thought he’d be happy just being friends but he desired much more. I actually tried my best to push him away. Yet, he stayed. I even got on video chat at one point with my hair bonnet on, a big t-shirt gown, and no make up. He actually said I was beautiful. I was a bit thrown off by it. I told him about all of my issues, and bad qualities, and he essentially laughed at me. He said ” The Universe brought us together and he knows I’m his future wife. ” , of course I frowned and told him the Universe is lying. After everything I’ve been through, there was no way I was marrying again or for that matter even open to love. I had accepted that I was meant to be alone. I was content and focused on my career. I was thinking I can’t be loved, so I might as well make some money. Nonetheless, he continued to pursue me until I eventually said okay. Now, I can’t imagine life without him. The funny thing is, I never tried to impress him or put on airs. It was quite the opposite. I found it soothing to be so utterly free with him. Since we were on Covid-19 lock-down, it was just nice having someone to listen and simply keep me company. Since that faithful day, September 2nd, we’ve remained inseparable. This is the first authentic connection I’ve experienced. He opened my eyes to so many things I simply could not see. I’m forever indebted to him for teaching me how to smile again and showing me that love can exist without violence and abuse. I suppose we met at the right time. We were both broken and dealing with abuse and separation. We found comfort in each other. Neither of us are in a rush, we’re simply enjoying the flow of life and allowing it to lead. I’m in a good place, and I owe some credit to him. He’s become my absolute best friend along the way. My mom believes we are twin-flames simply because we are so much alike and often find ourselves in dejavu moments. He’s the man I plan to live out the rest of my years with. So I suppose one would say we’re in love but I don’t like that word, so I’ll say we are in compassion.
I am returning to blogging and self reflection, so you can expect regular posts. Today’s interesting moment occurred while I was out walking Beamer. I noticed the depth of roots and green leaves on the near by trees. I paused and remembered the arctic freeze. During that time nearly all the plant life around me was dead or dying. For the record these are palm trees, so they don’t really see winters. After all, I live in Texas. I had an interesting thought. These trees experienced something new and devastating at the same time. I stood reflecting and thinking I’m a tree. My life is a tree. I’ve weathered many storms, yet I have been strong enough to endure and overcome each devastation. It also made me realize how much I miss country life. Living in the city has it’s perks, but I’m certain this is not my final destination. I’ve been considering moving to Mexico. I suppose I just desire something different. I desire a more wholesome life. Living here will not likely provide it. After-all, I live in a concrete jungle.
Thank you all for supporting me throughout the years. I’m eternally grateful for all the comments of support. May compassion reach each of you always.
Silent Journey 